difficult beginnings part 1

hmmm where to start; is it necessary to explain?

this week i started my artist teacher scheme stage 1, and already, 3 days in, it has become an emotional rollercoaster, that I feel needs capturing at the beginning, otherwise I will quickly forget these feelings.

i had begun this journey months ago when I began teaching properly, as i had only done a few hours here and there over the previous years. As a ceramicist I ended up teaching materials and techniques that I had not visited for a number of years, and struggled with the lack of physical connection between my art practice and the teaching.

as the year progressed the teaching became more and more difficult and directly infringed on my art practice, ending in resentment, and so the course became a saving grace of hope.

to digress; i have always avoided doing an MA as I feel i lack of brain abiltity would hold me back.

the course details were sent out, and as soon as i spotted we would be creating a group installation my heart sank, but i convinced myself to go in without a defeatist attitude, as i like doing things everyday that scare me, and see what happened.

day one turned out to be fab, and being back at art school was an absolute joy; meeting other artists and art teachers; looking at moderinism, post-modernism and feminism; dissecting art works in fine detail as a group; was thrilling and i went home with mind and heart buzzing with excitement.

then day two happened. we had a lecture from an artist then went to an empty basement studio, split into groups, dived into our shared materials, and began to work. initially i just went along with the fact that it felt alien, and i got lost and it felt awkward and tried to rise above it. but the day progressed and gradually every piece i had included was removed as part of the whole deconstruct process. then i just simply started to fall apart; i didn’t get what we were doing it for and anything i created had been taken away so the actual piece had no connection to me anymore. i went home thoroughly dark and angry. that night i didn’t sleep, contemplated not returning the next day, really hated all thought of it.

anyway, i woke up still not knowing what to do but felt it was important to show my support for the group i was working in as i had great respect for them as artists and people, and to be able to explain my actions of the previous day, which i was not particularly proud of.

there were a couple of elements that the others had added (there wasn’t much left after it was all deconstructed) that i felt an infinity with and wanted to explore them as entities.

so that’s what i did, and the end result was highly successful; we felt as a group it was the strongest piece; i accepted that it didn’t have to be anything or tell any story, or make any statement; it was just an entity. great bunch to work with; genuinely hope to do more collaborations – if only i could just work out how to add some photos……

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